It occurred to me that perhaps when I return for my next life, does that mean I will be the antithesis of who I have been in this one?
That means I will be simple minded, talentless, greedy, cheap, boring, humorless, mean spirited, abusive, unkind and dishonest. I will be ruthless and unscrupulous, disregarding and cheating others to get what I want. It will be all about only me, I won’t care about anyone else which will lead to countless opportunities, wealth and success. Women will flock to me and I will callously and cruelly use and discard them.
Yes, a life as the anti-Me sounds like quite a ride. It’s pretty remarkable that your prospects for fulfillment, acceptance and happiness seem more likely if you are a disgusting, selfish Ass. But the lesson I have learned, sadly, my approach, of being the total opposite of all those loathsome traits above, has yielded heartbreak, abandonment and painstaking disappointment.
So lots to look forward to when I return.
With brilliance and perception I just sit here and stare,
Seeing everything so clearly is a terrible cross to bear,
I wallow here day after day in solitary serving out my time,
I have to continually remind myself, I am guilty of no crime,
That doesn’t seem to matter now, the Verdict is crystal clear,
There is no interest in my heart or soul, wisdom, talent or cheer,
So I cling to this small screen hoping for just a tiny, little shred,
Of some human acknowledgement that I’m not already dead,
As nightfall yields to morning light and I close my eyes thereafter,
I think it is so unnatural, especially for me, to go days without laughter,
I am denied doing all the things I used to love and want to do,
With no one to love or love me this tragic play has a very sad review,
At least I know that when the day comes when I have departed,
No one will have to be overly distraught or woefully broken hearted
I feel each beat of her heart despite being so far away,
She is on my mind and in my dreams each second every day,
Her vibrant beauty is that of legends, and wishes coming true,
Her grace and elegance always provides a breathtaking view,
Her mind resoundingly brilliant, her heart set in kindness mode,
To marvel at her entirety, one risks sensory overload,
A Goddess should not feel pain and sadness, it simply is unjust,
Action must initiate without delay to restore her faith and trust,
The sun does not shine as bright, the skies not nearly as blue,
Birds sing in muted tone, fall colors barely changing hue,
As she gazes at the vast Pacific, her spirit must be free to soar,
To rejuvenate all wondrous things to where they were before,
To set things right what is needed for her to once again beguile,
Is sending her a loving impulse that will prompt just a tiny smile..
In this desert of empty desolation where I now exist,
It is a constant struggle to find means to subsist,
The mirages are everywhere in this isolated land,
But there never is rejuvenating fluid, just endless sand,
Rarely I intersect with a mainstream landing,
But am quickly dismissed, as one with no real standing,
I lead the life of an Entity, not a real human being,
Without Validation or Belonging it is painfully defeating,
The verdict is always the same when I emerge from the cocoon,
I don’t fit anywhere and am banished back to drudgery all too soon,
No one understands so it is really useless to even say,
As a good person with so much to give, why is it this way?
I push You,
You push Me,
Oh, there is no You,
So, there is no Me.
There is no one on earth who loves, respects and appreciates the magnificence of women, more than me.. The heart break and extreme disappointment that women do not care for me is staggering. No woman I have ever loved has ever loved me. That may be the worst epitaph a man can earn. At times, I find it impossible to fathom that as the ultimate romantic, I failed to ever participate in a true love story.
There is no one who enjoys laughter and making others laugh, more than me. So many days now, I don’t laugh a single time. I am alone 95%! Of my current life, so obviously there is no one to entertain. A sad and miserable failure.
I love giving of myself, making others happy, expressing my ideas, creating great things, showing people things they have never seen and being part and feeling a true sense of belonging in something special.. None of these things are part of my desolate, lonely world.
No one by nature, is more upbeat, optimistic, confident, stress free, adaptable, selfless, or more considerate than me. Yet, now in my relentless pursuit to recapture who I am, I have been called a whiner! downer! depressing, and self elf absorbed,
No one values life and living it fully as much as me. I am unable now in my exiled circumstance to pursue that fulfillment..
Reality is sobering, recognition painful and acceptance bitter.
What an arrogant, stupid person I am! Imagine, I actually had hoped, and even fervently believed that I had earned, was destined for, was worthy of and even deserved a joyful, fulfilling life at this stage of the journey. What an outrageously unrealistic dream. Having someone to love and doing something I love. The expectation of having purpose, commitment and belonging. What a frivolous silly dreamer. To achieve such monumental, lofty heights, you must be a valid human being. Clearly, for me, for some mysterious reason, that is not the case. I am an entity, not a person. The harder I try the more disappointment and heartbreak I absorb. Subsequently the further I decline.
So here I sit, perched at my modern day version of The Dock of the Bay, fully aware for the first time, the life I aspire to is not attainable. And the life I find myself forced in to, is hardly worth living.
Sitting on the Dock of the Bay, wasting time.
I am starting my own society and declaring myself it’s first citizen. So welcome dear visitors to the Civilized Community of C’Ville. Here are the laws, procedures and practices I have established, Companionship, Camaraderie, Collaboration, Compassion, Cooperation, Co-Conspirators, Coalition, Caring, Charming , Coherence, Cheerful, Charitable, Classy, Clever, Courageous.
Anyone want to sign up? Who’s In!!