When I suffered my vision loss, I did what I always do when obstacles arise… I ponder solutions. I try to turn adversity into opportunity. I find a way.
My brilliant notion to deal with this was based on what was seemingly a logical premise, I needed someone. I had reached that point once before, when I absolutely knew I wanted a family. I found the perfect partner with the same goals and two wonderful sons ensued. Looking back now, perhaps it was destiny. More likely, considering my atrocious history with women, it was miraculous. In any event,I had no doubt that fate would intercede once again.
This time, I needed someone I could care and provide for in every way who could take care of and help me. I also convinced myself that this wondrous woman could be a cohort, partner, consultant, manager, collaborator. Most importantly, she’d be my eyes. The opportunities were endless. I came to see this vision setback as a simple kick in the backside to get out of my chair and tackle all the things that I had intermittently left on my drawing board. Adversity yes, but I was ready to author brand new chapters.
It has been three years since my left vision took the same path of malfunction that my right had two years prior. My logical solution, finding someone, has officially failed. After some promising possibilities emerged and a number of candidates surfaced, it is clear it’s not going to happen. The reasons vary why each case fizzled or barely launched. At the heart of the problem are two dominant factors… 1) my emasculating lack of mobility and freedom of movement makes the process of developing a relationship nearly impossible. 2) At this stage, the terrain is so rugged, the complexities, baggage and collective damage is overwhelming and immovable. The notions and learned behavior from negative experience, real, unreal, preconceived or practical, is in most cases an impenetrable fortress. My personal plethora of attributes, wisdom, wit, humor, expression, generosity, gentlemanly manner, respect etc. routinely delivered me to the castle walls, but access was never assured. One misstep, an ill timed word or gesture, any signal misinterpreted, can instantly jettison you into the moat. There are only two automatic openers to the formidable stronghold. Looks (aka Hotness????) and $$$$$. My list is long but my personal attribute score, without one or both golden tickets, earns me something far less than platinum status.
I look at the situation now and realize, perhaps it was a fool’s venture, to think there would be someone willing to throw in with me and pursue an adventure filled, fun, potentially rewarding wild ride. In retrospect, it was naive, even stupid. People need to act out and play the dramatic roles that years of routine and habit have prepared them for. The strong, independent, brilliant achieving women I’m enamored with, are certainly not inclined to spin the wheel and wing it. It is too vast a leap of faith. Who can blame them for clinging to security and low risk.
But in my heart,I know who and what I am, and who and what I could be. With the support, love and belief from the right person, the sky was the limit. Even when you fervently believe in what you are selling, some times it’s just an impossible sale. I’ve had in recent days to stop thinking of might bes and could have beens. That passage is hopelessly blocked. The route to touching the sun,or even getting close to it, may be non existent. When dreams disappear all that are left are nightmares.
Reassessment has begun. Some way to cope with this and make it tolerable must be found. I can’t give up or I will die. A demise filled with regret and bitterness that I let this defeat me despite all the gifts and talents I have that should have produced a life worth living. I have to bang on doors and kick them in if necessary. Persistence and relentless effort to break through and have something in writing or broadcasting come to fruition. The challenge is daunting. The simplest tasks are so difficult when you can barely see. And, with shame I must admit, my track record in terms of being self motivated, is not stellar. Maybe I can be granted a smidgen of luck and find a motivated paid assistant to help me. In any event, Plan B is underway. Like a GPS system, I’m recalculating the route to where I need to be. The best path, is sadly and heart breakingly.. Barricaded and Closed.