Reality is sobering, recognition painful and acceptance bitter.
What an arrogant, stupid person I am! Imagine, I actually had hoped, and even fervently believed that I had earned, was destined for, was worthy of and even deserved a joyful, fulfilling life at this stage of the journey. What an outrageously unrealistic dream. Having someone to love and doing something I love. The expectation of having purpose, commitment and belonging. What a frivolous silly dreamer. To achieve such monumental, lofty heights, you must be a valid human being. Clearly, for me, for some mysterious reason, that is not the case. I am an entity, not a person. The harder I try the more disappointment and heartbreak I absorb. Subsequently the further I decline.
So here I sit, perched at my modern day version of The Dock of the Bay, fully aware for the first time, the life I aspire to is not attainable. And the life I find myself forced in to, is hardly worth living.
Sitting on the Dock of the Bay, wasting time.