Friend Zone (Excerpt from Keefer Stories Book coming early 2015)

(Cue Rod Serling)
Kip Keefer exists in a space somewhere between real life and a pseudo universe. Tread carefully. Seemingly a real person and a quality human being, Kip may not realize it, but he is hopelessly, permanently entrenched in a place he willingly but unwittingly entered… He now resides, In The Friend Zone.

The Friend Zone, aka, Female relationship Puurgatory.The problem is, regardless of the length of the stay, short term or an extended period, the next stop is a certainty. The train outif this station never climbs the hill. The main requirement to be admitted here… Being a “Nice Guy”
Entering the Friend Zone with any woman, particularly with someone you are attracted to, is an ominous, futile, ultimately fatal endeavor. The main requirement is being there to fill in cavernous emotional gaps and listen to real tales of woe about problems and challenges they are encountering. Most particularly focus on the transgressions perpetrated by the men in their lives, currently or previously, and all that these “jerks” are guilty of. Your sympathetic ear and wide shoulders are not offered shallowly or insincerely. You do become immersed and deeply do care. Once involved, you wait patiently, offering support, advice, reinforcement. The insane, misguided, unrealistic hope is that they will somehow realize the greatest guy imaginable, is right before their eyes. But in the a Friend Zone, your masculinity is checked, secured and locked away at the gate. There are moments that create incredible hope. “I love you so much” “You are an amazing person” “You have no idea how much you mean to me” “I dont know what I I would do without you”…. All of these are Emotional Mirages. Frequently, as you are riding high thinking that your sincere efforts, empathy and unyielding, legitimate concern is actually endearing you and magnifying your suitability, here is what ALWAYS comes next. The dreaded, Don’t Get The Wrong Idea, course correcting message,,, ” So nice to hear from you FRIEND” (the word Friend, strategically wielded in woman speak actually means…You are a wonderful person but I wouldn’t sleep with you even if you were the last man on Earth not infected with the Ebola Virus) ” I guess I am going to have to start looking for someone” (meaning, you are certainly not a candidate) or my personal favorite…. ” you are such a great guy, some woman is really going to be lucky to have you in her life”
Gee thanks. I don’t have high hopes for that forecast, especially if they see me as a hideous Eunuch like you clearly do. I’ve invested countless actual communication hours and just as many thinking about you. It’s nice I made such a great impression as you chastise other women for overlooking me. I have been sent that “great guy, you will find someone” message no less than five times by five different women in the last 3 days. In a sad way, I know they mean well and are trying to be nice, However, they are anxious to pass that hot, unwanted potato that is you, to someone, anyone, besides themselves. It isn’t about being denied a relationship. Realistically, you already are cognizant that you are a basically just a glorified, electronic pen pal. Receiving the subtle reminder still rocks you. It is deflating and dehumanizing to be classified as a non starter. You are granted a very good seat in the stands, but are not a participant on the field.

I am a Nice Guy. I don’t know how to be anything else. I am a Sir Lancelot. I save Damsels In Distress and do good deeds. My reward is they stay with or seek another Black Knight, similar or exactly like the one’s before who treated them so shabbily or even abusively. Sir Lancealot, the guy they couldn’t imagine living without, his usefulness exhausted, is discarded and forgotten. My new title, Sir Shitouttaluck.

I concede, it’s somewhat a product of the times and instant communication.. It’s a double edged sword. As an Extrovert, Entertainer and Intelligent Person, I need interaction with other people. I am now, and always have been a Romantic. Substituting this cyber existence for actual human contact,, sets this disappointment in motion.

This is a regular pattern phenomenon. I’m such a Swell Guy, I’m here for anyone. I want to help and feel confident that I almost always deliver. The syndrome is the same if you enter the Friend Zone. It only hurts when someone you really are excited to be in contact with delivers a devastating stiff arm. You would assume that an intelligent person woukd steer clear of this invalidating wasteland. To date, this Moron, Yours truly. Never seems to learn that obvious lesson.

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