Ok, everyone ready for Valentine’s Day? For all of you dimwits, who somehow latched onto a woman, despite the fact that these annoying days on the calendar slip your mind, Valentine’s Day is Friday.
I personally don’t care for Valentine’s a Day and refuse to acknowledge it. There are a number of reasons but predominately it is due to the fact that I am not in possession of the Golden ticket required to participate, I have no sweetheart. That diminutive, cherubic, winged archer Cupid has certainly fired some of his magic little bolts into my heart over the years. Unfortunately, the arrows with my name on them don’t seem to register in a beloved’s soul or spirit. Instead, they appear to wind up behind those inspiring spots and instantly associate me with the pain in the backside they inflict. Chubby little Bastard hasn’t come through for me since the Carter Administration.
My irritation is only heightened when the same undeserving Don Juans, who forget birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day, clumsily try and formulate a last second plan yo appease their better half. Cheap flowers from the grocery store or the neighbor’s rose bush, boring chocolates from Walgreens, a
N off brand card that has “Grandma” crossed out and wife/girlfriend name written in because the Dollar Store was all out and the hastily organized dinner outing to the China Buffet or Golden Corrall… All not good. Probably mot a good idea to give her a George Foreman Grill or IHOP gift card either. And these aren’t even the worse.
Oh How I loathe the cheesy crap companies advertise as splendid Valentine’s gifts. They suggest that if you call at the last minute and send her some footed pajamas or a stupid teddy bear, you are guaranteed to ignite her urges and be blissfully rewarded. What a joke! The worst commercial ever is when the gal, surrounded by her female coworkers, pulls from a box a goofy bear with a black mask on his eyes. She reads the card from her idiot partner written by a moron with Vermont Teddy Bear. ” I sent you the Love Bandit Bear because you stole my Heart.” Barf!! Really? Of course all the women standing around ooh and ahh, and are envious. Sure they are.. Of course, the Bear probably stacks up pretty good up against a pair of a Lottery Scratchers.
Me, well I’m a Benched Romantic. An evening at a special or sentimentally significant restaurant or hotel, jewelry, a commemorative collectible, a full body deep tissue massage with oil and always some heartfelt words or verses on a mushy Hallmark Card. Casanova Keefer can step up yo the a Romantic dish and sock it out if the park. But he has not been issued a uniform.
Not having anyone on Valentine’s Day is like the opening scene in Animal House. When Kent and Lonnie visit the stuck up Fraternity, they are ushered into a room with a complete nerd dressed atrociously, an Indian with a turban, an African fellow and a blind guy in a wheelchair. Fellows with no dates meet and join Sidney, Burundi, Harold and Jugdish.
What a great day it is. You spend the whole year hating yourself and on this one date, it’s confirmed that all the world’s women hate you too. In Chicago during prohibition, seven hoodlums were lined up and machine gunned by arrival gang on Valentines Day. That massacre is forever famous but is probably only slightly worse than eating a bologna sandwich by yourself. So girls, put on your Hoody Footies, cuddle up either your Hunk-A-Love Bear and fix that special fella a grilled cheese. As for Cuppid, I hope he collides head on with an Amazon.com drone delivering some of that worthless garbage. Love is in the air, so too are pathogens and oollution. Happy Valentine’s Day, Bah Humbug.