Assurance

I am fine, I’m not cold, I am not hungry. I have a job, I have clothes to wear, television to watch, music to listen to. I can still read on my iPad. My health is okay. I do not drink, I do not smoke, I do not use drugs or medications. I have two sons, both in their 20’s who are living their lives. I love them and am proud of them.

So there you go, the bright side.

I am unhappy, unfulfilled and see no glimmer of hope on the horizon for anything to change. I am not going to harm myself and NEVER in my life have I harmed anyone else. To the contrary, I have been there for others and given all that I can. Many of those people have discarded me and moved on since I am no longer useful to them.

I don’t record my thoughts to upset people. I am almost completely detached from everyone. My days are spent in solitude. I still have a voice and feel at my highest level ever in areas of intellect and creativity. I am sorry that my writings do not focus enough on acknowledging my many blessings. I am mindful and thankful of all of those things. If I was 76 and sitting contentedly in a rocking chair on a porch somewhere, so be it. But, I am 56, and didn’t realize I would be forced into a life of disconnectivity, loneliness and irrelevance that I have been forced into. Pardon me for wishing I was a valid person still worthy of having a life.

Thank you for reading my words. Thank you for caring. Rest assured, I am fine and there is nothing that any one of you can do. The die is cast.

WHY

I know it’s not useful to wonder Why?
It’s a drain on your soul and emotions
It clouds all your thoughts and notions
And produces simply a futile sigh.

Embarking on the path I knew the danger
But I was reassured at every turn
Only by moving forward would we learn
My fears were founded, I am now a stranger.

They say love is grand, I beg to dissent
It yields suffering and pain most profound
To which recovery or cure cannot be found
The wealth of your dreams is the hefty price spent.

A remarkable union makes life worth living
Someone constantly in step for every stride
A devoted, unrelenting support at your side
But when no one is there it’s bleak and unforgiving.

You stagger along feeling like an invalid being
Denial of the ultimate life to which you aspire
It is deflating to live without all that you desire
It’s a constant lament, Why is this what life is decreeing.

Racing Update

At The Track Update

Greyhound Happenings
WW Headliner has been off for a couple of weeks with a minor shoulder injury. Trainer Eric Griffin is giving her plenty of recuperation time and a well deserved rest. He hopes to have the 100 race winner back ariund the first of May.

Greyhound betting hint. Don’t let the greyhounds you like best win and you don’t cash. For just $21, you can play a .50 Trifecta with your pick on top over All and All. or a .10 Superfecta Top Dog with All-All and All.

Kentucky Derby…. Saturday May 3

The participants are pretty much determined. The favorites will be California Chrome and Constitution. Trainer Todd Pletcher has qualified four starters, Bob Baffert has three. Highly heralded Cairo Prince may have just slid in. He sits on the 20th and final spit after his disappointing fourth in the Florida Derby. Samraat, New York’s top shot, Wildcat Red from Florida and Louisiana’s best Intense Holiday all are strong contenders. The field will be deep and there is one totally safe bet….. The layoffs in this race are going to be BIG!!!

Next week, we will break it down, Contenders, Pretenders and Sleepers.

Hallelujah

Maybe there’s a God above
But all I have ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it is not a cry you hear at night
It’s not somebody who has seen the light
It is a cold and it’s a broken… Hallelujah

Solitary Confinement

This blog is a great representation of the bottomless pit of despair I find myself in these days. I think, I feel, I reflect, I desperately try and conceive a means of escaping and recapturing who I once was….. And I write. No one reads my words, no one hears my cries for help, no one comprehends my monumental loss, of myself.

I should offer a $25 prize to anyone who reads these words. I think my money is safe.

Wednesday April 9

Commission meeting today. Nothing eventful.

Was asked to record a 60 second commercial for WZZK radio promoting the upcoming Kentucky Derby. Thought about what I wanted to say and recorded it in one take, with no written copy. Oh, it was on my own broadcast equipment. And it timed out at :58. That was done in my head as well,

Like so many things I can do, my talents are unique and extensive. An actual, valid human being is compensated and recognized for their abilities.opportunities are earned from accomplishment and proficiency. It is simply expected of me. Others with far less ability, you know, viable people, are penciled in for those berths.

When damsels are in distress, guess who they call? When they seek a relationship, guess who they ignore? I am the ideal mate, too bad I am not a bona fide person that can be considered.

I have the feeling that there is a stamp on my forehead or a sign on my back that all the world can see. It says “Defective” or “Reject.” My detachment from all humanity is nearly complete. I am overlooked and penalized and I am apparently not worthy of a fulfilling life. Maybe when that life is over, my horrible shortcomings and flaws will be revealed to me. That is quite a hope to hold on to. I am so tired of frustration, solitude heartbreak and joylessness.

40 Years Ago Tonight

I was 16 years old, it seems impossible to fathom. After school, around 4:30, the phone, 451-2035, at my house at 4585 North Peachtree Road rang. On the other end was Chris (Austin) Carr. He was two years older than me, a regular at our Saturday hoops games at Chesnut school. I had never hung out with him, gone anywhere and done anything. After that April night, we had no further outings. But that night he wanted to know if I wanted to go down to Atlanta Stadium for the Braves opener vs the Dodgers. Knowing it was a specialized skill of my cohorts and I, he asked if I thought we could hustle up tickets. It now made sense why I got the call. But an hour or so later I was in Carr’s car heading downtown.

Oh yes, there was something beside the home opener happening that night. Henry “Hammering Hank” Aaron was one tater away from breaking one of the greatest sports records ever established, Babe Ruth’s 714!!!

I was able to procure tickets while still in the parking lot. $8 apiece is my best recollection. The seats were lower level behind the Braves dugout. Aaron walked the first time. In the 4th, veteran Dodger hurler Al Downing delivered a fast ball, Aaron delivered a shit for the ages.

Today, I do not have a single commemorative item of that night. Just my memories and the knowledge that I was actually one of the 50,000 who witnessed the event. I am hit one if the quarter million who now claim they were there. I saw history, Me and Chris Carr.

40 Years Ago Tonight

I was 16 years old, it seems impossible to fathom. After school, around 4:30, the phone, 451-2035, at my house at 4585 North Peachtree Road rang. On the other end was Chris (Austin) Carr. He was two years older than me, a regular at our Saturday hoops games at Chesnut school. I had never hung out with him, gone anywhere and done anything. After that April night, we had no further outings. But that night he wanted to know if I wanted to go down to Atlanta Stadium for the Braves opener vs the Dodgers. Knowing it was a specialized skill of my cohorts and I, he asked if I thought we could hustle up tickets. It now made sense why I got the call. But an hour or so later I was in Carr’s car heading downtown.

Oh yes, there was something beside the home opener happening that night. Henry “Hammering Hank” Aaron was one tater away from breaking one of the greatest sports records ever established, Babe Ruth’s 714!!!

I was able to procure tickets while still in the parking lot. $8 apiece is my best recollection. The seats were lower level behind the Braves dugout. Aaron walked the first time. In the 4th, veteran Dodger hurler Al Downing delivered a fast ball, Aaron delivered a shit for the ages.

Today, I do not have a single commemorative item of that night. Just my memories and the knowledge that I was actually one of the 50,000 who witnessed the event. I am hit one if the quarter million who now claim they were there. I saw history, Me and Chris Carr.

40 Years Ago Tonight

I was 16 years old, it seems impossible to fathom. After school, around 4:30, the phone, 451-2035, at my house at 4585 North Peachtree Road rang. On the other end was Chris (Austin) Carr. He was two years older than me, a regular at our Saturday hoops games at Chesnut school. I had never hung out with him, gone anywhere and done anything. After that April night, we had no further outings. But that night he wanted to know if I wanted to go down to Atlanta Stadium for the Braves opener vs the Dodgers. Knowing it was a specialized skill of my cohorts and I, he asked if I thought we could hustle up tickets. It now made sense why I got the call. But an hour or so later I was in Carr’s car heading downtown.

Oh yes, there was something beside the home opener happening that night. Henry “Hammering Hank” Aaron was one tater away from breaking one of the greatest sports records ever established, Babe Ruth’s 714!!!

I was able to procure tickets while still in the parking lot. $8 apiece is my best recollection. The seats were lower level behind the Braves dugout. Aaron walked the first time. In the 4th, veteran Dodger hurler Al Downing delivered a fast ball, Aaron delivered a shit for the ages.

Today, I do not have a single commemorative item of that night. Just my memories and the knowledge that I was actually one of the 50,000 who witnessed the event. I am hit one if the quarter million who now claim they were there. I saw history, Me and Chris Carr.